Think back to your childhood. What was it like growing up? Did your parents or guardians give you everything you needed? When I ask adults about their childhood, they usually fall into one of two categories. Either they say it was great, and their parents did their best, or they say it was rough, and they didn't get the support they needed. Often during these conversations, people are hesitant to talk about their childhood because it can bring up some tough emotions.
No matter one’s circumstances, growing up is hard. There's a universal saying that's been around for a long time: "You don't know what you don't know." It's true - growing up is full of unknowns. Having a supportive parent or guardian can make a big difference, but growing up is still a challenge. These days, with technology and the internet rapidly changing everything, it's even harder. Kids are growing up in a society where adults do not even understand the changes happening. For example, children today are growing up with advanced technology at their fingertips. Meanwhile, the adults in their lives only had flip phones when they entered middle school or high school. Mental health awareness and medical diagnoses are also changing fast. Today, children are more likely to be diagnosed with conditions like anxiety or ADHD, and therapeutic language and self-care techniques are commonly used in everyday life. When the adults were growing up, mental health was not acknowledged, and they may have just recently learned terms like triggered and gaslighting.
All of this is to say that, as adults, we need to learn more about what we don't know so we can support young people in our lives. One expert, Leonard Sax, has been studying the rising number of kids with additional support needs and mental health issues. Dr. Sax has been writing books about the differing challenges Gen Z and Gen Alpha have been facing as they grow. Over his work with adolescents, he noticed that behavioral issues, psychiatric prescriptions, and other health-related issues have all progressively grown over the past 30 years. In his books, he has shared more information about the challenges and about ways to support the children in your life despite these challenges. If you're worried about a kid in your life or just want to learn more, this post is for you. In this post, I'll be sharing some practical tips on how to support kids, including what they need to thrive and how we can help them.
First, I want to provide an overview of what support needs are through examining attachment theory. So, what is attachment theory? Basically, it's the idea that we all need to feel safe, secure, supported, and loved. According to Dr. Sue Johnson, humans are always looking for three things in relationships: accessibility, responsiveness, and engagement. Often referred to as the A.R.E model, this process demonstrates our individual support needs. Depending on how well our needs are met, we develop one of four attachment styles: secure, anxious/preoccupied, dismissive/avoidant, or disorganized/fearful. The goal with identifying attachment styles is to help kids develop a secure attachment style, which means we need to use the A.R.E model. How do we use it? Just follow these next steps.
Utilize Co-Regulation
When your child is overwhelmed by their emotions, how do you respond? If you first respond by reacting with emotion, you are not alone. Luckily, the first support guideline revolves around you, so that you can learn how to better support your child. For children to feel safe, secure, and supported, adults in their lives have to model that behavior. In other words, when a kid gets overwhelmed, we need to help them calm down. If we react with our emotions first, then the situation usually gets worse. Instead, we should model healthy emotional regulation, like taking deep breaths and acknowledging our feelings. This is called coregulation, otherwise known as "monkey see, monkey do." Children learn from us, so if we can't manage our emotions, they won't learn how to either.
Co-regulation looks like using one’s emotional intelligence to respond to situations. For example, when your child feels upset in the grocery aisle over wanting fruit snacks, acknowledge how they feel. It is ok to feel emotions because things don’t turn out how you expect. After identifying the emotions, help them breathe and settle down. Emotional regulation takes time to learn. Co-regulation is not a quick fix that immediately removes all the negative feelings children will have. However, by practicing co-regulation, the child will start noticing the behaviors. They will recognize that these behaviors work and start using them in their own lives.
Provide Structure
Humans crave structure. We create boundaries and rules to ensure that others see, value, and respect us. The internet and digital technology have blurred boundary lines beyond recognition. Boundaries and structure no longer operate the same way. Texting your friend at 2 a.m. and gaming online with a classmate are common behaviors today. Prior to digital tracking, kids had to verbally tell adults their specific plans. Now, due to safety risks outside the home, kids are more likely to stay home and engage with digital content. Children often misbehave without guidance, as demonstrated by the kids who threw pencils as soon as the teacher looked away. All these challenges expand when no clear rules and boundaries exist. Just like emotional regulation, boundaries are learned from adults.
Providing structure might cause some conflict at first, but young people eventually learn the boundaries and adapt. For instance, toddlers need guidance to take naps as they get older. If they don’t nap, they get cranky and react accordingly. In this situation, having the child nap regularly, despite their reluctance, provides the structure necessary for their development. However, we need to make a key distinction. When the child expresses pushback on the structure, the response must be empathetic. For example, “I know that you are sad and mad because you need to take your nap. Being tired makes me feel that way, too. When I feel those feelings, I know I need a nap. Let's go lie down so we can get those feelings to go away.” This type of response helps both provide structure and helps the child regulate their emotions.
Promote Discovery
Another way to support kids is to promote discovery. We all know that questions can be annoying. Sometimes, we need a moment of silence, but we face a barrage of questions. That moment can be a source of great frustration. In those moments, it is important to regulate ourselves because asking questions is a key part of learning and growth. If you feel overwhelmed by questions, offer some structure. Help your child know when it's a good time to ask questions. Allow them the time to ask open-ended questions and teach them how to ask good questions.
We can also model curious behavior by exploring our own interests with them. Exploration is essential for brain development, and it can be as simple as reading a book, watching a video, or playing outside. If you have an interest in your neighborhood birds, you can take the time to learn alongside your child. Building shared interests helps create trust and support in a relationship. Practicing creativity and engaging in active learning helps our brains work better. That is why unplugged play is so important. Adults understand that screen time is not always the best, but children sometimes struggle to understand that. Finding time to explore helps them unplug and rewires their brain. They are able to develop their own interests and live outside of the digital realm. Next time you want to zone out in front of a screen, reach out to a young person instead. You might discover a chance to spark your curiosity and explore together.
Teach Failure
Finally, we need to teach kids about failure. It is obvious we want to protect children from harm, but sometimes we take that desire for protection too far. When we shield kids from challenges, they don't get the opportunity to learn. Every time we fail, we gain experience. Reflect back to growing up when you were learning to read. Your teacher likely helped you grow your reading skills by providing chances to demonstrate your skills. They most certainly did not read every word for you on every reading assignment. That would have been a disservice to your development and would have caused some identity issues. You might not have seen yourself as a reader and may doubt your ability to face the challenge that reading brings.
We need to offer learning opportunities for children to face adversity. This builds their risk tolerance and also enhances skills like decision-making, communication, and cognitive reasoning. Next time you are with a child, provide them with a sense of challenge. Maybe play hide and seek and find them a little faster than you normally do. Have them complete a challenge of saying hello to people at the grocery store. Allow them to pick out their clothes for the week. These opportunities allow them to develop the skills you already have as an adult. Learning takes practice and a lot of failure. A child struggling does not mean they cannot do it. It just means they may need guidance. By doing so, we can help them build confidence and develop the skills they need to succeed.
References:
Hagan, M. (2026, January 21). What is co-regulation?. Child Mind Institute. https://childmind.org/article/what-is-co-regulation/
Huang, S. (2024, January 23). Attachment styles in relationships. Simply Psychology. https://www.simplypsychology.org/attachment-styles.html
Johnson, S. M. (2019). Attachment theory in practice: Emotionally focused therapy (EFT) with individuals, couples, and families. The Guilford Press.
Sax, L. (2024). The collapse of parenting: How we hurt our kids when we treat them like grown-ups. Basic Books.
Sax, L. (2023, September 12). Evidence-based parenting. Leonard Sax MD PhD Physician Psychologist and Author. https://www.leonardsax.com/workshops/parents/evidence-based-parenting/